Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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