I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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