I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
