I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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