Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
