The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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