I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
