and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I intend to get homeless drunk
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
