so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Randomize
