It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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