I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
