He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
