The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
