Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
