I could have mohawked her pubes.
Semen is not good for contacts.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
