I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
