WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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