Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize