Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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