My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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