Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
