my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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