Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Just pee around me
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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