I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
