4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
how does that bad decision feel?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
