Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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