Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Randomize
