I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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