Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I skipped work to stalk him.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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