i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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