Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
