I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
