I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
