I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
the condom got lost in my hair
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
