waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
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