do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Your cock deserves a montage
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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