I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
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