dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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