He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
