His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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