im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
