your parents love me but you hate me
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Randomize
