i love accidental penises.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
