I accidentally had phone sex last night
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
