I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
