im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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