Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize