So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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