her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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