A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
