I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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