Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm sobbing to NWA
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Randomize
