OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
