so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
