The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
