If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
