if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
