Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
