In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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