my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Randomize
